Saturday morning the husband made breakfast. He asked for help with the bacon because he doesn't know how to cook bacon. He pulled out a low sided griddle pan and I said "no, not that one, because the sides are so low and if the bacon grease runs over the edge we could have a grease fire" and I pulled out a more appropriate skillet and made bacon and it was good and we moved on with our day. There is no story here.
Until. The not-story became back-story.
See, last night I made bacon cheeseburgers for dinner. I cooked the bacon in the more appropriate skillet. Then I cooked the burgers in the same pan I always use, the low sided griddle pan mentioned above. Everything was fine. Until I rotated the pan on the burner and sloshed some grease over the side onto the stove top and burner.
So I quickly pulled the pan off that burner and moved it to another one and turned on the exhaust fan and readied my box of baking soda JUST IN CASE. But everything resumed being fine. Burgers were cooking, fries were in the oven, lettuce and tomato were prepped, bacon was ready, cheese was unwrapped and ready for deployment, everything was FINE.
Now, normally I make Bubba Burgers which are already ready already. Well, I mean, not ready for eatin' but ready for cookin'. Please do not eat a Bubba Burger straight out of the freezer. I will not be held liable if you do.
But I did not have any Bubba Burgers so I had to make the damned patties my own damn self. Which meant they were way too big and way too misshapened.
(EXCUSE ME SPELL CHECK THAT IS TOO A WORD QUIT YOUR SHIT RIGHT NOW)
Fine. It was malformed. Happy now?
Anyway. It was lumpy and bumpy and oddly formed and bulgy in the middle and yes, I know where I could take this sentence but I am very mindful, very demure, whatever tf that means. Plus also, body shaming isn't cool.
MOVING ON.
So they were big ol' burgers. And I wasn't for certain they were all the way cooked so I went to grab my newly acquired meat thermometer which I had not yet taken out of the box. While struggling to get all the plastic ties off I realized the timer for the fries was going off which I had barely heard because 1) the timer was in the other room and 2) the exhaust fan was running.
So I dropped the thermometer and pulled the fries out of the oven and gave 'em a good salting, forgetting that the fries were in an air fryer type basket (made for convection ovens) so now I've got grease AND salt all over my stove top but my mentality shrugged and went back to the thermometer, finally got it out of the packaging but couldn't find the hole for the probe (I KNOW WHAT I SAID) and eventually figured out that this was some kind of fancy new fangled high tech thermommy with a remote and a base and srsly, wtf? But I eventually got it all assembled and thrust my probe into the meat and....nothing happened.
(The men out there know that feel, amirite???)
By this point, though, I figured the burgers had to be cooked so I pulled the pan off the burner, transferred the first of the two burgers onto my ready and waiting paper towel lined plate....and that's when the grease on the pan caught fire.
So into the sink went the pan and thankfully the fire went out on its own so I didn't have to serve a baking soda covered burger because that'd be ew.
Right about then is when the husband got home. "Hi honey, dinner's ready, don't mind the all enveloping cloud of smoke or the stove-top battlefield, I'm just over here firefightin'!".
He was wise enough not to sass me about starting a grease fire two days after telling him not to start a grease fire.
But you know the saddest part? I was so busy fighting the blazing inferno I forgot to put the cheese on the burgers.
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